As Time Passes

As another Christmas passes and a New Year just around the corner I must admit my heart gets sad because another holiday without my nephew QT home... then I stop & think about the Gaona family another holiday without their son, grandson, brother etc...Today I spoke with Mr. Biggs QT's Federal Attorney no new news he continues to read through the tons of court documents.
So many times I wonder if the Gaona family knows how much my heart hurts for their loss, do they know the many times I pray for them, for God to give them courage in the mist of their lonliness, I pray God grant them strength in the mist of their pain. I wonder if they even have any idea of the many,many times I have driven by or parked my car across the street at the JC Zaragosa Rec Center and watch and pray as I am doing today listening to QT's song 'Prayer' by Petra the words in the song are embedded in my mind & heart forever! "Keep the one's I love so dearly, fill their emptiness while I am gone and fill the lonliness in me" . As the clock continues to tick and time continues to pass us by I pray for two families who have lost their son's but whose lives will forever be intwined.

For His Glory,
Joey

I Never Seen It More Clearer...

I never seen it more clearer then when I watched the tape for the first time.. The party, the laughter. The few seconds QT is seen passing before the camera's lenses.. The Panoramic view of a moment in life that would go on to be frozen in time by the camera man.. Then the film ended.. or did it? I had actually went to the kitchen once the recording ended while Joanne stayed watching the black and white fuzz began playing on the TV, the end of the movie.. but then I heard people talking from the kitchen, at that moment my view of that night changes forever.. my idea of Santos Gaona whom I had never met changed, and shifted as I got a first hand, a glimpse into who Santos was..
As the video played on, it cuts to a scene that had been previously recorded on the video tape. The party that changed so many people's lives had a prior recording. It goes to Senior Day at Molina High and this time Santos was the camera man. He teased friends, laughed, jokes around, yelled, harrassed teachers but ONE thing was for certain... He was liked, even loved by many, almost everyone who looked into the camera smiled brightly and in their face, you could see they were proud to be graced by his presence. At one point him in front of the camera, a girl cried when asked about her plans after graduation and he said "leave her alone" and to the girl "its okay, dont be scared, were gonna make it"...he cared enough to say that. Even though our everyday futures are uncertain, he had the courage to say that "we're gonna make it".. and some of us will.. but I had never seen my own life as a reflection in any moment as when the camera man focused on Santos and asked him "what are you gonna do after graduation"? Santos replied, "I dont know, I've got my whole life ahead of me"!
If he had only known his whole life would be almost a month long, because less than 30 days later he would be going to be with the Father. If we only knew our own date to leave our friends, family, husbands,wives, children, parents.. how would we live? Would it affect our decisions? Instead of imposing prisons upon ourselves, would the walls crumble down, would we love freely, cherish our moments? If he had only known... but he didn't know his moment.. yet he found a way to love freely, to cherish his moments, share his friendships. People glowed when they saw him.
As we also do not know our moment, do not know if tomorrow will ever come for us, we should learn to love one another, be better friends and humans, and view Santos life, not as a tragic loss of a promising future, but as a reminder... Our future isn't promised; but the moments we lived will carry on forever in someone's memory. Make it a great one. Santos did!

Joanne & RJ

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"From There to Hear"

We can't see it anymore clearer than we did the first time we saw the video shot during the party. It was like being transported back to a place in time. A place we were not present, nor had ever been, but you knew step by step what was going to occur. We remember seeing these people having fun, dancing, laughing, and seeing the time on the camera screen 12:45 and thinking, little do these people know that in less than an hour some of their lives will change forever. Some drastically. I remember on the whole 30-40 minute tape QT is only seen on camera for a few seconds, briefly. Too brief, moving past the lens in a panoramic view, from where only he know, to only where he knows. It was very eerie and surreal to us because looking back at my own situations in life (RJ), In hindsights view I can see the events unfolding and wonder why I could not see them at the moment. But for those brief seconds, you see him in an instant too fast to make an assumption on his intentions that night and then he's gone. A phantom... A memory to the tapes mind. The weird part is, when we ran that scene in slow motion, he passes so slowly, that he stops for a split second and looks directly into the camera. Eyes black, you can almost see the reflection of the camera in his eyes..... or is it something else? Is it HOPE? Or is it a clock ticking down to the last seconds on life as he knew it? Seconds before he enters into another journey, one from whence, he is not positive that he will return from. I called it that night, to my wife Joanne "A Deer in the Headlights Look" I remember thinking what if God had chose that camera light to shine in his eyes to touch his soul, to open his mind to hear God's voice and he whispered, "Go Home Son". What if? What if he did? Are we so wrapped into ourselves, that we do not hear God's whispering? Does at times he need to SHAKE our world so violently that we hear him?

As he passed by the camera we wondered what he was thinking? If, in the 8-9 years since does he remember these few seconds? I wonder in his face, can his family see the child they raised, all the laughs, the tears, the birthday parties him blowing out candles, all the Christmas's, him un-wrapping gifts, the first day of schools, the first crushes, the tender, "mom I love you's" or the "Tia I miss you" , or even now as a man does he understand the struggle to answer a child's question with delicate words so they can understand..... Its as if all the memories of moments in his life are all wrapped up into that single second. That brief look the eyes say "I love you to his family, but forgive me for this is my rite to manhood". The decision I make in the next few seconds of being at the wrong place at the wrong time will lead me on a journey that I may never return from.

It's a reminder that everywhere at every moment life is changing around us. Every previous breath, every thought is a past memory, recorded and filed away. You cant stop change, we all change for better or for worse. Myself, I never questioned QT's guilt, or lack there of, its irrelevent to me. Only because we are all guilty of something. Each of us write our own story in destiny. We script our own plays, we are just selfless actors, playing the starring role in our personal movie, but as humans, we must put on a performance that is deserving and worthy of an ovation. And then God willing and ENCORE! PART I

Joanne & RJ